I know the length of time we’ve waited for us to be ‘us’
took almost forever, or maybe there was merely no chance at all.
I tried, over and over again I tried to learn to love. I blame myself for wandering for so long on what could be, and now my thoughts wander on what might have been. I liked you, I did. The little things we do and the texts in the morning saying "good morning!”. All was good.
No one has ever given me the attention I needed the most. I know you were there all along. But when conversations start to linger on what drags us down all the time, your work in your office, your officemates and all else, I cannot sustain. I guess I really am not the shock absorber kind of person, at least not almost everyday. There are times I am hyped up with positivity and one single joke I throw at you, you flip everything down. My life after all is not perfect, it has the most flaws than most people have. I have been wanting to escape the negativity I have with my life and I thought I found it in you but came a time I cringe more often than I do laugh and smile.
I have never opened myself to anyone yet, and not on most people I know. It’s about what I have with my family and how my family is. It is beyond anyone’s boundary to cross the line I have drawn regarding my life with my family. It is ever the most sensitive part of anyone’s life and no one has the credit to judge one’s own.
I sincerely thought we could be together. That feeling I get when I see you, it brightens up my day at times and I wish it was more often than just texts. But IT IS NOT your fault, more of mine. I was busy with all the stuff I needed with college to reviewing and eventually passing the board examinations. You were part of those successes.
When I told you I wanted to be ‘straight’, that was somehow true. It was half-meant. But really the reason was I don’t want to push through anymore. It took me so long because I have always hoped things could get better when we're down. That we could hurdle our way through. That Grindr thing? That Tinder thing? I am going to tell you for the last time I have never seen and met anyone there while we were talking. I cannot blame you for thinking things that are not appropriate. You have the credit for doing so, but I was deeply honest about what I said "it was all just hi hellos".
For the record, I wasn't seeing anybody else when we were talking. Apparently no one ever did, and it is wrong for you to say that someone is 'talking' to me at this moment that is why this is happening. I never replaced anyone else for someone better or someone who I think is better. Remember Angelo? I have told him over and over again that it wasn't going to work for the both of us and only then you came into my life. He knows that.
I’m sorry for everything that has caused you sadness and pain. You are one of the best people I have come to know in my life. I was proud you wanted to outweigh the people who came into my life and do better.
At some point, I wish there were more happy thoughts than sad ones when we were together. I wish you never judged the kind of family that I have. I wish you never told me why the people who came into my life left me because of me. I wish you never told me you know better because you are far more achieved and educated in life than I do and that you are working and I was just a student trying to battle his way out of college.
I wish you never judged the whole of me, because I never judged you.
I was more proud of what you have achieved in life with the people around me than tell them of what you are not.
I will always have you in my prayers, thank Him for you coming into my life and teach me a lesson.
You are going to be okay. I am going to be okay.
We are going to be okay.